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Pianoabuser's Avatar
Posted by: Pianoabuser
2008-08-23 09:05:51
You remind me of me if I was good.
Overall:
87
Concept: 20
Characters: 19
Dialogue: 13
Presentation: 20
Plot: 15
Beautifully crafted. You, unlike quite a few people here - no offence to those who read that - clearly have some talent.

This said, I have some suggestions.

A good deal of the vocal intuitions seemed a little bit skewed. It's difficult to make the words "shut up" flow with anything bordering on eloquence, something which has clear prevalence in your work. In this respect, I hate to say it, but I think you failed. If it was me, I would have kept it all to the confines of his mind, rather than have him speak.

(Assuming it's a he.)

The only other criticism I have (and bear in mind, if I'm not criticising a certain element, it's because I think it's fantastic) is that the ending was a little abrupt. It'd be nice to hint at it a little earlier on, and build up the tension a little more. When you write depressing literature - and trust me, this is - it's always best to build in a little suspense, so you don't lose your reader. Once or twice, I found myself drifting away.

Aside from this, bloody brilliant. Keep going.
LazyPint's Avatar
Posted by: LazyPint
2008-01-26 16:03:31
Beautifully Described
Overall:
88
Concept: 18
Characters: 18
Dialogue: 18
Presentation: 18
Plot: 16
I didn't entirely understand the end, but I really enjoyed the journey.

The description was excellent, the atmosphere created was superb.

I look forward to reading your other work.
Fourth Perspective :: Perspectives - Breathing Death - Reviews