Scrap Book Part 1.
Rating: 85.00 Perspectives: 1 Votes: 10 2008-02-12 15:40:44 Style: Thriller/Drama Number of pages: 26 You must be logged in to start kibosh Perspective Reward Points: 1327 Carousel Reward Points: 0 Log Line: A collection of things including a novel. Production Notes: This is just a collection of things. I've left out Reality because I wanted to add a chapter to it before submitting this and jamming it in but I just couldn't. I did however add a BBS story that I started a good year ago I think and plan to finish one day. I just doubt any day soon. I managed to add a chapter on. Everything else is explained.
I left out one or two things besides Reality I plan to finish properly and just submitting it as a complete story. That or I'll just shove it into the next Scrap Book part.
A BBS story, to those unfamiliar to the term, is just a story where the characters are named after BBS users like Lost-Wisdom, SuperSmoothSmiley, Sidorio and many others. |
Posted by: LazyPint 2008-03-05 14:32:09 Quite a Collection Concept: 17 Dialogue: 17 Presentation: 17 Plot: 17 Too Weird To Live, Too Rare To Die
4/10
Not much to say since there's not much to read. Could have been interesting, especially the mention of "steak", which I didn't get in the slightest.
Fucked (for lack of a better title)
5/10
Again you've capitalized after an "...", which suggests a new sentence. It was probably Word doing it automatically, but you should go back and change it.
As for the story, again it barely gets going and reads almost like a blog.
Words Of A Dying Breed
7/10
Quite right. Grammar is important and it's strange that writing properly should make me feel special, when it's just something I do naturally.
This read like a rant, but a well-written one. You clearly have a lot of feeling for proper grammar and you're right to.
I don't quite see the "two class" thing happening, but you never know...
What Happened?
5/10
Childhood is one word, you said "stick" rather than "sticker" and you said "defiantly" instead of "definitely" (a fairly common error these days).
It's a shame you didn't go on with this one. It could have been quite cool, though amnesiac-murderer stories are pretty common.
Exploder
6/10
Not bad. A semi-coherent story with only a few mistakes and a decent number of song titles.
I'll bet you could actually make a pretty decent poem with "You and who's army?" in it twice...
White Larynx
7/10
There's quite a few presentation errors in here; some tense changes and a lot of the text isn't separated line by line.
The internet certainly wasn't in full use in 1998 and the tour that was supposed to happen in a month's time seemed to take a bit too long.
As a story it's quite good if rushed. Would they still be sharing a flat after 15 years? It seems to zip along a lot without pause and I find it unlikely that they wouldn't know Rague was still alive in the hospital.
Overall, I quite like White Larynx and I wish you luck in finishing it. It's quite a sad story and the strange names (I understand the BBS thing) make it kind of interesting and unusual.
Have fun. |