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Dr. Mint Jelly
Rating:
81.29
Perspectives: 2
Votes: 14
Michael Danton's Avatar
Posted by: Michael Danton
2007-07-11 15:04:39
Style: Horror/Crime
Number of pages: 5
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Dr. Mint Jelly
 
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Perspective Reward Points: 220
Carousel Reward Points: 260
Log Line:
A carrion bird, I tread the path of death
A reaper understated
I left behind my coat of white
My cruelty unabated.
Production Notes:
The inspiration for this poem came about so suddenly it was almost an unconscious thought, as I set aside my current projects and started writing these stanzas like a man possessed.
I wrote four pages of poetry in under 2 hours which is quite unbeliveable for me even now as I'm usually a very laboured and considerate writer.

I can possibly attribute this poem to a brief period in my life when I was a consultant of sorts for another website where I actually wrote similar captions for "Mortography" (I just made that word up for lack of a better one)

Granted the poem wasn't as you see now, and only a few stanzas remain from the original through a series of revisions, cutting away the dead weight and wasted space. No doubt an endeavor that the good people at Fourth Perspective will assist me with.

Enjoy this poem and as a courtesy to others, please don't elaborate on the ending.

Thankyou,
M.
Latest Perspective on Dr. Mint Jelly
Pianoabuser's Avatar
Posted by: Pianoabuser
2007-07-17 01:44:57
I liked it.
Overall:
83
 
 
 
 
 
An interesting little story, highlighted well by the call-and-response style dual narrative you used. Didn't hide away from gory imagery (always a plus in my books) and held my attention right until the end.

Two criticisms, the first slightly lesser than the second

* The second line put me off; you put "who's" instead of "whose", and I'm a stickler for grammar.

* Though this paints me as a hypocrite, it didn't read too well. There were some stanzas where the number of syllables way overreached the quota to keep any rhythm, and it's my opinion that if you're going to make it rhyme, there has to also be some sense of beat there.

Aside from that, not bad. Keep going.
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