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Breathing Death
Rating:
87.56
Perspectives: 2
Votes: 16
Sistine's Avatar
Posted by: Sistine
2008-01-26 14:17:04
Style: Adventure/War
Number of pages: 6
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Breathing Death
 
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Perspective Reward Points: 256
Carousel Reward Points: 0
Log Line:
Everything, everyone...dead. No escape. Gotta get out of here...
Production Notes:
Though I know not where exactly this little piece of work came from, I believe it to be rather formidable and consider it one of my more memorable mindtrips.
Past Revisions:
2008-01-26 11:23:54
Latest Perspective on Breathing Death
Pianoabuser's Avatar
Posted by: Pianoabuser
2008-08-23 09:05:51
You remind me of me if I was good.
Overall:
87
Concept: 20
Characters: 19
Dialogue: 13
Presentation: 20
Plot: 15
Beautifully crafted. You, unlike quite a few people here - no offence to those who read that - clearly have some talent.

This said, I have some suggestions.

A good deal of the vocal intuitions seemed a little bit skewed. It's difficult to make the words "shut up" flow with anything bordering on eloquence, something which has clear prevalence in your work. In this respect, I hate to say it, but I think you failed. If it was me, I would have kept it all to the confines of his mind, rather than have him speak.

(Assuming it's a he.)

The only other criticism I have (and bear in mind, if I'm not criticising a certain element, it's because I think it's fantastic) is that the ending was a little abrupt. It'd be nice to hint at it a little earlier on, and build up the tension a little more. When you write depressing literature - and trust me, this is - it's always best to build in a little suspense, so you don't lose your reader. Once or twice, I found myself drifting away.

Aside from this, bloody brilliant. Keep going.
Fourth Perspective :: Viewing - ShortStories - Breathing Death