Number of pages: 6
You must be logged in to start kibosh
Perspective Reward Points: 250
Carousel Reward Points: 0
Everything, everyone...dead. No escape. Gotta get out of here...
Though I know not where exactly this little piece of work came from, I believe it to be rather formidable and consider it one of my more memorable mindtrips.
Posted by: Pianoabuser
You remind me of me if I was good.
Beautifully crafted. You, unlike quite a few people here - no offence to those who read that - clearly have some talent.
This said, I have some suggestions.
A good deal of the vocal intuitions seemed a little bit skewed. It's difficult to make the words "shut up" flow with anything bordering on eloquence, something which has clear prevalence in your work. In this respect, I hate to say it, but I think you failed. If it was me, I would have kept it all to the confines of his mind, rather than have him speak.
(Assuming it's a he.)
The only other criticism I have (and bear in mind, if I'm not criticising a certain element, it's because I think it's fantastic) is that the ending was a little abrupt. It'd be nice to hint at it a little earlier on, and build up the tension a little more. When you write depressing literature - and trust me, this is - it's always best to build in a little suspense, so you don't lose your reader. Once or twice, I found myself drifting away.
Aside from this, bloody brilliant. Keep going.