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Mount Moriah
Rating:
85.29
Perspectives: 2
Votes: 17
gumOnShoe's Avatar
Posted by: gumOnShoe
2008-03-06 13:52:16
Style: Sci-Fi/Children/Family
Number of pages: 2
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Mount Moriah
 
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Perspective Reward Points: 81
Carousel Reward Points: 350
Log Line:
A father must ponder an unthinkable solution to the threatening super virus ravaging Earth.
Production Notes:
I wrote this for a class next year and it was inspired by a sermon I heard once. The sermon started out like this

"As I'm sure you are all aware, the flu virus that crossed the atlantic just yesterday has already claimed millions of lives in Europe, Asia, and Africa"

It continued on from there, and my Rabbi did not break the illusion of reality. I had not watched the news in quite some time, so by middle of his sermon I was convinced there was an epedemic upon us.

This story is not written nearly as well as I would like it to be, but it is what it is. Eventually I may come back to it.
Past Revisions:
2008-03-06 13:49:15
Latest Perspective on Mount Moriah
LazyPint's Avatar
Posted by: LazyPint
2008-03-11 13:09:47
Pretty Good.
Overall:
82
Concept: 17
Characters: 17
Dialogue: 17
Presentation: 15
Plot: 16
There are a couple of mistakes needing sorted ("offer her" instead of "off her" springs to mind) but it's pretty decent overall.

The deadly virus/mass quarantine story has been done a lot but this was quite a fine example. The scene at the pond was well done, I really felt the sadness of his memories.

I didn't much like the paragraph after he spilled blood on his sock, it seemed a bit too detailed. I know it's relevant to the nightmare he has later, but I still think it could do with being cropped somewhat.

The ending is OK. He seems a bit panicky, I'm sure he could get into the house, grab the note and make up some story without his wife finding out, but he seems to think it's the end of the world.

All it needs is a little revision to be near perfect. I look forward to reading your other work.
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