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Tick. Tock.
Rating:
80.67
Perspectives: 4
Votes: 30
Rabids's Avatar
Posted by: Rabids
2007-06-07 10:15:47
Style: Horror/Thriller
Number of pages: 19
Read      Review
Tick. Tock.
 
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Perspective Reward Points: 382
Carousel Reward Points: 50
Log Line:
A young man awakens in a hallway with a gash in the back of his head, met only by perpetual darkness.
Production Notes:
This is my first time writing something in AWHILE, so constructive criticism is always welcome.

This was written over a series of nights using a bit of a weird writing style of mine.
Latest Perspective on Tick. Tock.
Mike Kleine's Avatar
Posted by: Mike Kleine
2008-01-19 11:31:46
Needs more oompf.
Overall:
62
Concept: 15
Characters: 12
Dialogue: 13
Presentation: 10
Plot: 12
There were a few typos and the flow was completely off but I enjoyed the amount of description although the way you presented it was annoying. Rather than tell, why don't you show us how Jake looks. Some of the metaphors/similes you used were slightly out of context. At first, I thought this was going to be a Horror story but some elements suggested otherwise. I liked your idea for the ending but I think it was poorly executed.

All in all, great idea (and it reminded me of "The Pit and the Pendulum,") but poorly executed. Although I would encourage you to write more because practice really does help so keep on writing.
Fourth Perspective :: Viewing - ShortStories - Tick. Tock.